Friday, May 02, 2014

Thank you

I know you are not interested anymore. I saw how, little by little, you started to stop caring about me. I’m not mad. I am not even sad. I am just frustrated. I wish I could know why you just didn't want me anymore. I wish I knew what is it I do to drive everyone away. I am aware it is about me. I can’t possibly blame someone else. It is me. I wish I knew.
Even though I know we will not be pursuing this any further, I want to thank you. I want to let you know you found me in a very dark place and your interest shone a light. I had been in some meaningless relationships that had ended horribly and had been a total failure. I just kept getting involved with men that just didn't present a threat. I couldn't possibly fall in love with someone like them.
I thank you because you had that potential and I didn't get scared. I tried it out. Obviously I failed miserably. However, I did realize I can do this. I can interact without the mind games. I was honest, truthful and forward. Something I had never been before. It felt good. You gave me the first “try out” where I didn't end up with so many ifs.
I am grateful you made me realize I don’t have to hide my mind. I don’t have to fake stupidity to have someone by my side. I know it was not my mind that troubled you. I know it’s something else. I’m not quite sure, but I learned.
I thank you, because you helped me move on. After you, I moved on from my biggest ghost. I stopped missing him, I stopped wondering what he felt, what he’d think of me moving on. I didn't stop to think if he would be jealous. I am free and you helped. I thank you for that.
I am grateful because for the first time I went with my gut. I didn't hear all the pros and cons lists my friends made. It felt good. I am weird and my friends keep trying to fit me into a box with someone conventional. I am not that kind of person but I was afraid to take that weirdness with someone else. Thank you for letting me get rid of social conventions and choose the one who is "no good for me".

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