Monday, May 12, 2014

Anna Scott: Rita Hayworth used to say, "They go to bed with Gilda; they wake up with me."

It's funny how things end before even starting. It is funny how I constantly go through this and still, can't figure what I do that makes them shut off. I am this kind of person that gets adored in a distance, and when they come and take a closer look, they just loose interest. I know I'm broken and when they realize how messed up I am, they run. I prefer being adored in the distance. I prefer being the one they wish answered their calls. If you hadn't left, I'd still be that girl. 

I think men have this radar when they know you are vulnerable and they have a chance. Many of these failed relationships wouldn't have even started if I wasn't so broken. If I hadn't been in this hell year and wasn't so desperate to get over you. I hadn't even given them the time of day if you hadn't left. If you had stayed, I wouldn't have to go over and over this. I was so safe with you. Nothing thrilling ever happened. I was always sure you'll answer my texts, you would talk to me about your day, you would tell me what we'd do on the weekend. I was always sure you would make me feel wanted. I didn't have to worry how did I looked or if I was sexy. 

You broke my confidence. You broke my high horse and "I deserve better" attitude. You made me feel like a was so special, so unattainable and so yours. Nobody could ever measure to you. No one, in my wildest dreams could make me feel the way you did. I realized you were my safe net. I realized I need to make myself feel the way you did. I don't need you to tell me how beautiful I am. I need to tell myself that everyday. I don't have to wait for you to feel you are loosing me to hear how incredibly special I am. I can tell that myself everyday. I can now love myself more than I ever loved you. I couldn't have realized that if you hadn't left.

I tried. I swear I did. I tried to keep waiting for you. I tried to hold that feeling in me. I tried to love you no matter what. I just couldn't. I am no longer yours. I am my own. 

No comments: