Monday, October 29, 2007

Don't you dare try to make me love you

He said it would be fine. Falling in love had never been so hard. She hears a whisper in the back of her head, telling her everything will mend. She wonders what is left for her, is there any room in there? She finds her heart frozen, her emotions locked inside a box, her hopes hidden in between his touch. And then she wonders. What would have happened with that other man, those hands, those lips. She thinks about so many good-byes, so much love left behind. All those words left unsaid, now killing her with every breath. What if she had said I want to love you? What if she had let him see her for who she really is? So many questions, so many doubts. Still she fights.
At night she dreams about a different life. She tries so hard to let herself feel fine. Then she realizes she was left broken, a long time ago, when there was no other. That day her hopes were broken. She will not tell, will never know. The truth is she will never let go. She wants them to care to make them feel the pain. That cold, paralyzing agony of not being loved in return. She has been that girl for too long. She has stopped trying to be the object of love. She has now became the object of desire. She is now the one who makes them fall and feels fine about it. But at night, when it gets cold, she has no one to hold. She shreds a tear and moves on. She is done with the crying, the self-pity and the desiring. She has now lost her soul. Would you care to find it? Would someone try to mend it? Is it broken beyond repair? Please say you will try, even if the journey is hard. I beg you, say you will stay. Please wait and see underneath the tears. There is so much more to her than a break. She is just too much neurosis and pain. Please just stay a little while, you'll see she is still able to try. Even if she constantly says: "Don't you dare try to make me love you"

Monday, October 22, 2007

What is she supposed to do?

What if I fall? Would you be there to catch me?

She left herself in that old familiar room. She watches herself die a bit more. Then she puts her make up on. Every day, every night. On and off the mask goes. Then she sees that man, the one that made her feel that first time. She's not the same girl she once was, she knows he is not enough. But again she falls because its better to, than to really love. Then he walks away all confident and sure, thinking he is on higher ground. Then she feels that way too. Is this a game? What is there to win? I sure don't see a price, a goal or even a finish line along the way. She keeps trying to forget she never felt good enough. He keeps trying to prove himself once more.
This is a dangerous game. She has lost her soul, he hasn't grown up. So they play along, pretending he is 4, while she keeps shutting up the emotions door. The crying has stopped even when she used to shred tears so hard and so much they used to burn. She doesn't care anymore, he's the only way she knows.
The thrill has been lost, the fun is far long gone, what keeps them coming back to get some more? Maybe because she's secretly in love, maybe she won't let go. Maybe she likes to hurt, just because. Maybe she just had her fun, took what there was to take and hasn't found a different toy. Or maybe, just maybe she wants him to care so she can let go.
She thinks too much. She would never take him to work, show a picture to her mom. Still she kisses him like there is no tomorrow. Still she touches him with desperate devotion. Still he gives her that look they only know, that smile when no one is around and cuddles with her at night. Just before she closes her eyes, when she feels ready to say goodbye, he does that thing he once did. It's been so long and still he holds her. He finds her hand and squeezes. So many nights ago and he still finds a way to make her tremble. He doesn't know why but she does. She's starting to freeze her soul. It's coldness and winter what makes her shake to the bone. What is she supposed to do when he is the only way she knows?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

You will never love again

I did not ask for this. I never prayed for the thing we share. No matter what I hoped or dreamed of, I got you. We tended to destroy and break each and every part of us. I love you.
We did not need a mature relationship because instead, we have a great story to tell. You broke me beyond repair, I love you even more today. I found you alone and without any signs, we were meant to be as one. You gave me one look and I was yours for good. I tremble, I fear, I never want you to leave. I know now you will never do so.
You feel me as yours and you used me as so. My body, complete, without any regret is yours to take. I want to feel you burn, break. The first time you touched me I felt like catching fire. My body had a new urge, a new addiction, you.
There was one moment only when we both could have said no. But we didn't. It was that instant where my mind thought of all the consequences and scared me like nothing else. Then you kissed me and the world around me vanished. I am yours, there is nothing left to say.
I suddenly realized you were not only mine. You traveled the world, other women's bodies, kissed a hundred lips. I thought I had you, I thought I had touched your soul. I needed to break you even more. Why would you go around making love to them? Am I not enough? What is there to find in anonymous hips?
We do have a great story to tell. I found you in bed with someone else. I first decided to cry, then I said I would not mind, but finally I realized. You need to see what you have, to really see me. I am not the girl you want to mess with. That is for sure. I climbed in bed with her. Kissed and touched someone else. I just wanted to see the look on your face. You had fire in your eyes, you felt invincible, untouchable. You had finally turned the good little girl into a dirty little woman. I had fun, I must admit. However, there was one part I enjoyed the most.
I found a beautiful blade just beside your bed. Trust me when I say, you will never love again.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

No entiendo

Quisiera saber que pasa por tu cabeza. Me encantaría poder examinar cada pensamiento, cada imagen y cada secreto. No puedo. No puedo siquiera adivinar que dices cuando lo dices. No soy capaz de entender esas frases extrañas que pronuncias en la cama, en la sala o en la mesa. Me cuesta trabajo tan sólo comprender, en el nivel más elemental, las palabras que me dices. Son sonidos, no entiendo. Quiero que sepas que no lo entiendo, no lo siento. Antes, tu mirada lo decía todo. Ahora tu mirada es vacía, infinita. Me llena de miedo, de dudas. Hace mucho tiempo tocarte no era necesario para sentirte. Ahora, me tocas, me besas y ni siquiera te veo. Sabía que mirarte era suficiente para decirte te quiero. Ahora ni siquiera decirlo es suficiente. Nos hemos quedado vacíos, sin palabras, sin sentido. No quiero saber siquiera que horas son o si tienes frío.
Verte no me llena, no me dice nada. Mirarte me aburre, me llena de nostalgia. Quiero regresar el tiempo, beber hasta la última gota de es amor que desperdiciamos, que dejamos correr. Ahora sólo queda rutina, palabras vanas, ojos llenos de lágrimas. Decir adiós no es difícil, entenderlo es imposible. Digo adiós cuando te miro, cuando te toco, cuando prefiero dormir. Creo que tu tampoco comprendes lo que digo, creo que tu también me sientes vacía y sin sentido. Pronuncio la palabra adiós y respondes nos vemos al rato. No puedo, empiezo a perder la fuerza. La costumbre disfraza esos vacíos que ambos tenemos. Creo que sí fue para siempre. Estaré contigo hasta la muerte.