Monday, October 22, 2007

What is she supposed to do?

What if I fall? Would you be there to catch me?

She left herself in that old familiar room. She watches herself die a bit more. Then she puts her make up on. Every day, every night. On and off the mask goes. Then she sees that man, the one that made her feel that first time. She's not the same girl she once was, she knows he is not enough. But again she falls because its better to, than to really love. Then he walks away all confident and sure, thinking he is on higher ground. Then she feels that way too. Is this a game? What is there to win? I sure don't see a price, a goal or even a finish line along the way. She keeps trying to forget she never felt good enough. He keeps trying to prove himself once more.
This is a dangerous game. She has lost her soul, he hasn't grown up. So they play along, pretending he is 4, while she keeps shutting up the emotions door. The crying has stopped even when she used to shred tears so hard and so much they used to burn. She doesn't care anymore, he's the only way she knows.
The thrill has been lost, the fun is far long gone, what keeps them coming back to get some more? Maybe because she's secretly in love, maybe she won't let go. Maybe she likes to hurt, just because. Maybe she just had her fun, took what there was to take and hasn't found a different toy. Or maybe, just maybe she wants him to care so she can let go.
She thinks too much. She would never take him to work, show a picture to her mom. Still she kisses him like there is no tomorrow. Still she touches him with desperate devotion. Still he gives her that look they only know, that smile when no one is around and cuddles with her at night. Just before she closes her eyes, when she feels ready to say goodbye, he does that thing he once did. It's been so long and still he holds her. He finds her hand and squeezes. So many nights ago and he still finds a way to make her tremble. He doesn't know why but she does. She's starting to freeze her soul. It's coldness and winter what makes her shake to the bone. What is she supposed to do when he is the only way she knows?

1 comment:

humantree said...

What if she stops wearing the mask?
Anyway, some people don't see it, AT ALL, even if they pretend they're playing the make-up game.