Sunday, June 12, 2016

I am sorry

I had been sober for so long. I had buried this person I hated and loved at the same time. I had tamed myself. I was no longer the one who made them fall. I was nice, I was the one everyone wanted to set up. I had kept my secret unveiled. I had been nice. 
Suddenly, without any warning, I came back. It was like I had been underwater. I could breathe. He came through the door like every other day. I had been so controlled. I have this thing for men I cannot have. I want them, bad. The less attainable they seem, the more I want them. I wanted to make him fall. He is so controlled, so good. The only one people say it is impossible to corrupt. I wanted him just because no one believed he would ever do something wrong. 
He came through that door. It was different this time. I had woken up from my idiotic dream. I do not want to be that person any more. The switch just went off. I looked at him the way I used to look at men. I had been so focused in being nice I thought I had forgotten how it felt to be bad. It feels good. It feels so damn good. 
He was surprised. I could tell. He felt nervous, he felt restless. I saw how he could not look at me the same. I was safe. I was this nice little girl he never thought had it in her. Boy, do I have it in me. I love the thrill, I love knowing they want to touch me, drink me in and do all those things they aren't supposed to. I could even feel his fear. I love that fear. I love being looked at that way. I hate being looked as safe. I am not a nice little girl. 
I made him fall. Bad. He did all those things you shouldn't do. It felt so good. I am the one that can make you fall. I will never be the one to heal you. I will burn you and leave you filled with regret and leave. I always leave, one way or another, I leave them alone. I will not be there to heal their wounds or make them believe it will all settle. You will never be the same. I will show you what you are capable of doing and then go back to my life as if nothing had happened. I will see you everyday and feel nothing. Because once they fall, once they become what they have always been, I stop wanting them. 
Don't get me wrong. I will make you fall again. Be sure of that. Every now and then, when you feel you have put yourself together, I will be there in the dark reminding you that you can fall again. You will do so. You will clean up your act and then, come back. 
Don't be fooled by my good girl act. I love sex. I am more instinct than anything else. You looked at me thinking I would just be a small slip. Something you get out of your system and then go back to your town house and daily duties. I should have warned you. But, where's the fun in that? I am sorry I didn't tell you. I am sorry I did all those things to you like it was something one normally does on a Monday. Well, I am not sorry about that. 

Friday, February 13, 2015

I don't really want you. I just need you. I need my safety net. I need to know that if I fall, there will still be a person who thinks of me as incredibly special. I know I amuse you. I know you've missed, like I did, having someone in your life you can talk about nothing and everything.
Still, you can't let me in completely in your real life. I exist in this place where time doesn't really pass. I am in this limbo where we haven't been torn apart and have not broken up every little thing that kept us together. I know you can't let go. I can't either.
I tried to keep you out of my life. Like every now and then when I think I can grow up and become a better version of myself. I keep failing miserably. You keep becoming this person you are supposed to be, the one people say we should when we grow up. I keep being this little girl who plays and never really gets invested. I keep thinking I have time. I keep ignoring there is no way to go back. There is no way. There is no place for me in your life. There has never been a place for me in your heart. Still, I tell you about my days.
I have deceived myself into thinking I don't care anymore. I keep telling myself there is nothing wrong with having this secret part of my life with you. I lie and lie to keep you safely in this place. I tell everyone there is nothing more than a good friendship. I keep saying I don't compare what I felt for you, what you are, what you were to me with other people. I can't anymore. I can't just forget that I made this perfect little thing up. I made myself to be that force of nature that kept you on your toes. I become even more restless, random and loud. I get to be that woman that makes you loose yourself. However, you are not that man anymore. You grew out of it. You became what you had to. You are stable, planned and have built a life for yourself. I have not. I keep breaking everything that makes me feel safe. I want the thrill. I still look for that. I still want to be swept off my feet. 
I still look for that high, the unknown. When things get familiar I run out the door. I need that electric impulse that just overtakes me when I don't know the next move. The anticipation. I am a junkie for pain and still look for it in someone else. 
You've learned, sort of. You have made this perfect little life where someone as random and passionate as me does not fit. I keep trying to find me someplace where conventional rules don't apply. I have searched high and low for someone like you. 
The truth is, I look for the person I am when I'm with you. The thing is, no one has ever made me hurt the way I did with you. Nobody has played with my demons as well as you have. I need to find it one last time. I need to let go of this fantasy, and accept, there is no fairy tale to tell. 

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Te me estás saliendo

Poco a poco te me estás saliendo. Poco a poco la historia que ocupaba tanto tiempo de mi vida se convierte en una anécdota que cuentas en 20 minutos. De pronto, sin darme cuenta, ya no me duele decir que te quise. Ya no siento que me falta el aire cuando digo que tu nunca me quisiste como yo a ti. De repente, sin más, dejas de ser ese hombre que esperé casi la mitad de mi vida. 
Siempre te voy a querer, siempre voy a encontrarme en la vida cosas que me recuerden a ti. No me importa, ya no me duele. 
La distancia, el tiempo, la vida, todo me llegó al mismo tiempo. Te me fuiste tú. Ya no maldigo la hora en que decidí quererte y me aferré a una historia de amor que sólo existía en mi cabeza. Ya no lloro cuando entiendo que el amor es de dos y lo nuestro nunca fue eso. Ya no siento que nunca nadie me va a entender como tú. Ya no quiero cambiar por ti. No quiero dejar todo eso que amo y que contigo siempre pensé que terminaría por dejar. No lo dejo ahora por ti, no lo dejo por nadie más. 
Me quedé sin lo que sentía por ti y me llene de mí. Me llené de amor por mis particularidades y dejé de intentar ser ordinaria y sumisa. No puedo, no quiero y no vuelvo a cometer el mismo error. 
No quiero ser la mujer perfecta, no quiero ser la que sale en las revistas de sociales, la de la sonrisa para los demás. Quiero sonreír para mí y no me interesa que nadie más se entere. Quiero guardar los momentos y no tener que comprobarle al mundo que no estoy sola. Porque dejó de importarme si alguien me merece en los ojos de los demás. Porque no es cuestión de merecer, es cuestión de todo menos de lo que debe ser. 

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Everything I wanted

Nothing ever matters. In the end, all the words we say, all the tears we shed, all the promises we make, they all fall and break into a million pieces. We don't get to find the source of all this pain or the cause of all this hurting. We are left broken, without all those things we gave.
Hurting, feeling like dying is ok. There is no grace or glamour in crying like a child. It makes no difference where the tears come from. We are all, at the end of it all, nothing but a carbon copy of everyone else. We are no different from anyone else that has been broken.
We might have felt special, untouchable. We might have lived different stories. In the end, it does not make a difference, not one bit. We deceive ourselves and others by making up this people we want to be. We are desperately trying to become an exception to every rule ever written about love.We never are. 
The first time I saw you, I felt an instant pull towards you. I felt the need to be around you. I had to breathe the same air, your scent, drink in your eyes. I had to be with you. I had never wanted something so bad, so desperately. We were drawn to each other. We are messed up and two narcissistic assholes. We had this connexion, this way of communicating no one else understood. I loved feeling this special. I lived to be that untouchable, ethereal being you cherished so much. You made me feel safe and in control. I thought we were one of a kind. I truly believed this bond could never be broken. No matter how many people crossed our paths, we kept coming back.
I thought I was so different. I was living this messed up, impossible relationship and loved it. I have never felt normal, I have always dreaded the ordinary. You gave me that.
You never gave me flowers, you gave me irreplaceable moments. You never wrote a poem about me, you wrote endless letters that showed your true colors. You never called me your girlfriend, you called me your soulmate and best friend. You never proclaimed your love, you gave it to me, complete behind closed doors. You never gave me ordinary, you gave me everything I wanted. 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

La hora de la cena

Se ha pasado la hora de la cena. Se ha pasado el tiempo que siempre le había dedicado. En un inicio, siempre estaba ahí para platicarle sobre su día. Desesperada, no entiende que pasa. ¿Amé demasiado? ¿Amé muy poco? A veces quisiera poder decirle la verdad. Sentarme con ella a tomar el té y decirle por qué. Me gustaría mirarla a los ojos y contarle, con el corazón en la mano, por qué no llega a la hora de la cena. Nunca he sido de las personas que habla claramente. Nunca he dicho realmente que siento. Ella si. Ella le dice cuanto lo ama, cuanto lo extraña y cuanto está dispuesta a dejar por él. Ella dejó todo atrás. Dejó su independencia, sus tacones, sus días de fiesta. También se deshizo de todas esas cosas que a él no le gustan y se llenó de lo que él adora. Encontró espacio para guardar todos esas cosas que una vez amó y cerró las gavetas. No miró atrás. Lo amaba. Lo ama. Él intentó hacer la mitad de lo que ella hizo por él. De verdad, lo vi intentar una y otra vez no desear que ella fuera diferente. Quería amarla por quien era y como era. Por un momento, breve, lo logró. Esos días, siempre llegaba a la hora de la cena.  La gente cambia. El instinto más escondido siempre regresa. Las cosas que nunca dejas salir son las que terminan rompiendo esa persona que construyes para el resto del mundo. Si tan sólo pudiera decirle que, de verdad, intentó no amarme. No hubo manera de no encontrarnos. Algo debía pasar. Disfrazados, comenzamos a jugar. No pasa nada cuando no dices nada. Cuando no hay quien si quiera susurre un nombre, esa persona no existe. Así jugamos, a no decir, a no verbalizar lo que pasaba y a no recordar nada. Hasta que un día, a la hora de la cena, decidío decir lo que pasaba. Me lo dijo y de pronto, me di cuenta de lo que hacía. Me di cuenta que jamás cambiaría para ser esa mujer que él esperaba. ¿Por qué no lo amaba como ella? ¿Por qué me le había metido hasta los huesos? ¿Por qué no lo necesitaba? Me pidió que lo amara. Me pidió que dejara caer las barreras que he construido y le enseñara realmente quien soy. Mañana, estará con ella, a la hora de la cena.

A bad day

Most of the time, I can live normally. Every day, I think less and less about you. Somedays, the good days, I don't have a single thought regarding you. Those days, I actually think I can love again. Those goods days make me say yes to dates and talk to people. I even let them tell me things I only let myself hear from you. These good days are becoming more and more common. I'm starting to have more good days than bad ones. 
Today was not a good day. Today, I thought of how much I miss your lips. I remembered you how my heart trembled with just the sight of you. Oh, no, it was not a good day. I kept hearing your voice. I kept feeling your hands on me. I kept feeling my skin crawl because of your absence. 
Then you came. Like you always do. You made me remember why I can't think of being with someone else. You made me realize why I am so confused, so broken. 
I thought I was letting you go. I even made a statement out of it. I had this thing confusing me, and I thought I was finally getting rid of you and feeling for someone else. 
Then you looked at me. It is like you never left. I continue to ignore what keeps me from getting back to you. Just this moment. Please don't take that away from me. 
My ego was bruised and you came back to fix it. You made sure no else had that kind of power over me. You just make it better by making it worse. You heal me to leave me, once again, in the highest tower. Today, it's ok for me to have a bad day. Today, I need to remember you by and think of you. Because you did hurt me. You made me remember what it feels to be hurt, not bruised. You bring back all this darkness and loneliness. You make me realize I can't cry for someone else because you used up all the tears I had. 
I have been hurt by you. Nobody else can touch me. Nobody else can make me tremble with anger, despair, and love. I thought I was getting rid of you. I guess today its OK to hold on just a little stronger. 

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Feeling unwanted and crazy is just not pretty. I've been that kind of girl too many times. These thoughts, this darknes after you said you never meant to hurt me, have rushed back in. I've been trying to let go of that hurt I went through after you said goodbye. That pain after you came back and made me think I was imagining things. It all came back. 
I did it again. I was the crazy one again. I was the one that thought was important for someone who just was not as invested. I hate myself when I become that person. I am not used to it. You had taught me well. You had made me this impenetrable bitch that no one could ever touch. 
I let my guard down because I thought I had all those things I had with you. I had even more. I had some more things that made me think I was important or wanted. 
I am still that nice girl no one wants to hurt. I am still this pathetic toy no one ever wanted to break but played incesantly with. I hate that girl. I hate being the nice little girl people find smart and funny. It sucks to be the one they feel bad after hurting. I hate people trying to make it all right afterwards. I hate being pittied. I hate being thought as fragile. I've been through so much crap they have no idea. They still think I need protection.. 
I do not work well as a victim. It makes all my darkeness take over. All these twisted thoughts come flooding back in. I am too special, I am too nice, I am not what you wanted, what he wants. Why can't you just man up and say it? Why do you have to feel like a good person after you've used someone? Be a fucking man about it an accept it. "I thought this was just us playing", "I thought you just wanted sex", "I am not interested, thank you". Be the fucking jerk you are and get it over with. Step down from your high horse, I do not need saving. 
I don't do well as a victim. I don't do well as a poor little girl who needs protection because she's too emotional. I don't want it. I don't need it. I hope people would just stop trying to not hurt me. Pretending to care, when you actually don't, is far more hurtful. I do not need protecting. I don't want it. Go pitty some other girl who actually wants to be protected. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014


You drive me crazy. You have all this potential. You apparently have no idea you are totally the kind of man I could fall in love with. This, drives me mad crazy. I wish I could be this open book. I wish I had no fears and no darkness. I have even thought that you don't like me because of that. I think it is mainly because of this craziness you don't seem to stop talking to me. 
I'd like to think I have a strange power that just draws you to me. I think you are just amused by me. I am weird and funny and you are bored. However, I see the darkness too. I see you are not quite as composed as you portray yourself to be. I like that. 
I have this crazy idea where I truly believe our demons could play very well together. They could play in a way people warn us demons should not play. But I like that. I honestly do like the possibility of burning. I have never wanted a dull life. You have all this potential, and still you'll never know. You will never use it because, maybe, you need more or want something different. I could understand that too. 
Maybe is this darkness and potential in me that keeps you out. Maybe you are evolved and don't need that kind of darkness anymore. Maybe we should have met when you weren't trying to be normal. I don't know. Maybe you are far more concient of this possibility you know better. Who knows. I will never know.