Friday, February 13, 2015

I don't really want you. I just need you. I need my safety net. I need to know that if I fall, there will still be a person who thinks of me as incredibly special. I know I amuse you. I know you've missed, like I did, having someone in your life you can talk about nothing and everything.
Still, you can't let me in completely in your real life. I exist in this place where time doesn't really pass. I am in this limbo where we haven't been torn apart and have not broken up every little thing that kept us together. I know you can't let go. I can't either.
I tried to keep you out of my life. Like every now and then when I think I can grow up and become a better version of myself. I keep failing miserably. You keep becoming this person you are supposed to be, the one people say we should when we grow up. I keep being this little girl who plays and never really gets invested. I keep thinking I have time. I keep ignoring there is no way to go back. There is no way. There is no place for me in your life. There has never been a place for me in your heart. Still, I tell you about my days.
I have deceived myself into thinking I don't care anymore. I keep telling myself there is nothing wrong with having this secret part of my life with you. I lie and lie to keep you safely in this place. I tell everyone there is nothing more than a good friendship. I keep saying I don't compare what I felt for you, what you are, what you were to me with other people. I can't anymore. I can't just forget that I made this perfect little thing up. I made myself to be that force of nature that kept you on your toes. I become even more restless, random and loud. I get to be that woman that makes you loose yourself. However, you are not that man anymore. You grew out of it. You became what you had to. You are stable, planned and have built a life for yourself. I have not. I keep breaking everything that makes me feel safe. I want the thrill. I still look for that. I still want to be swept off my feet. 
I still look for that high, the unknown. When things get familiar I run out the door. I need that electric impulse that just overtakes me when I don't know the next move. The anticipation. I am a junkie for pain and still look for it in someone else. 
You've learned, sort of. You have made this perfect little life where someone as random and passionate as me does not fit. I keep trying to find me someplace where conventional rules don't apply. I have searched high and low for someone like you. 
The truth is, I look for the person I am when I'm with you. The thing is, no one has ever made me hurt the way I did with you. Nobody has played with my demons as well as you have. I need to find it one last time. I need to let go of this fantasy, and accept, there is no fairy tale to tell. 

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Te me estás saliendo

Poco a poco te me estás saliendo. Poco a poco la historia que ocupaba tanto tiempo de mi vida se convierte en una anécdota que cuentas en 20 minutos. De pronto, sin darme cuenta, ya no me duele decir que te quise. Ya no siento que me falta el aire cuando digo que tu nunca me quisiste como yo a ti. De repente, sin más, dejas de ser ese hombre que esperé casi la mitad de mi vida. 
Siempre te voy a querer, siempre voy a encontrarme en la vida cosas que me recuerden a ti. No me importa, ya no me duele. 
La distancia, el tiempo, la vida, todo me llegó al mismo tiempo. Te me fuiste tú. Ya no maldigo la hora en que decidí quererte y me aferré a una historia de amor que sólo existía en mi cabeza. Ya no lloro cuando entiendo que el amor es de dos y lo nuestro nunca fue eso. Ya no siento que nunca nadie me va a entender como tú. Ya no quiero cambiar por ti. No quiero dejar todo eso que amo y que contigo siempre pensé que terminaría por dejar. No lo dejo ahora por ti, no lo dejo por nadie más. 
Me quedé sin lo que sentía por ti y me llene de mí. Me llené de amor por mis particularidades y dejé de intentar ser ordinaria y sumisa. No puedo, no quiero y no vuelvo a cometer el mismo error. 
No quiero ser la mujer perfecta, no quiero ser la que sale en las revistas de sociales, la de la sonrisa para los demás. Quiero sonreír para mí y no me interesa que nadie más se entere. Quiero guardar los momentos y no tener que comprobarle al mundo que no estoy sola. Porque dejó de importarme si alguien me merece en los ojos de los demás. Porque no es cuestión de merecer, es cuestión de todo menos de lo que debe ser.