Friday, February 13, 2015

I don't really want you. I just need you. I need my safety net. I need to know that if I fall, there will still be a person who thinks of me as incredibly special. I know I amuse you. I know you've missed, like I did, having someone in your life you can talk about nothing and everything.
Still, you can't let me in completely in your real life. I exist in this place where time doesn't really pass. I am in this limbo where we haven't been torn apart and have not broken up every little thing that kept us together. I know you can't let go. I can't either.
I tried to keep you out of my life. Like every now and then when I think I can grow up and become a better version of myself. I keep failing miserably. You keep becoming this person you are supposed to be, the one people say we should when we grow up. I keep being this little girl who plays and never really gets invested. I keep thinking I have time. I keep ignoring there is no way to go back. There is no way. There is no place for me in your life. There has never been a place for me in your heart. Still, I tell you about my days.
I have deceived myself into thinking I don't care anymore. I keep telling myself there is nothing wrong with having this secret part of my life with you. I lie and lie to keep you safely in this place. I tell everyone there is nothing more than a good friendship. I keep saying I don't compare what I felt for you, what you are, what you were to me with other people. I can't anymore. I can't just forget that I made this perfect little thing up. I made myself to be that force of nature that kept you on your toes. I become even more restless, random and loud. I get to be that woman that makes you loose yourself. However, you are not that man anymore. You grew out of it. You became what you had to. You are stable, planned and have built a life for yourself. I have not. I keep breaking everything that makes me feel safe. I want the thrill. I still look for that. I still want to be swept off my feet. 
I still look for that high, the unknown. When things get familiar I run out the door. I need that electric impulse that just overtakes me when I don't know the next move. The anticipation. I am a junkie for pain and still look for it in someone else. 
You've learned, sort of. You have made this perfect little life where someone as random and passionate as me does not fit. I keep trying to find me someplace where conventional rules don't apply. I have searched high and low for someone like you. 
The truth is, I look for the person I am when I'm with you. The thing is, no one has ever made me hurt the way I did with you. Nobody has played with my demons as well as you have. I need to find it one last time. I need to let go of this fantasy, and accept, there is no fairy tale to tell. 

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