Monday, September 05, 2011

This is goodbye

This is goodbye. This is the time when I realize I was meant to fall out of love with you since the beginning. This is the time when I have to let go of all this anger, all this pain, all these hopes and dreams. You are not what I made up you to be. You are painfully ordinary. You are painfully common. You are painfully not for me. I've been holding on for so long, so tight, I killed this feeling. I tried so hard to keep it alive, to keep you in my heart. It turns out I can't wait for you forever. I wish I could, I wish my love, my obsession, were enough for the both of us. It isn't. It wasn't. All this love I had was drained out of me. All these emotions, memories, moments, were not enough. 

Sometimes, almost all the time, it takes two. It takes two to fall in love. It takes two to hold on. It takes two to trust and give in. You never let me. You kept me so far away I never did fall. You never made me feel like you would be there to catch me. I could have crashed and burned. I could have lived the greatest love story. I didn't. You never let me. I resent you for that. Why wouldn't you let me feel? Why wouldn't you let me fall? 

You kept me waiting, you kept coming back, you kept holding on. I was held too close, too tight, I need to get out. I was inside this trap. I was inside your honesty and your kiss. I couldn't see beyond your touch. Now I see. It's painful to watch. You are so not what I had in mind. 

The thing I'll never understand is why you keep coming back. I resent the hiding, the lying and the lack of courage. You are too much of a coward to be with me. I was too much of a coward to be brave enough for the both of us. I've never felt safe. I've always felt comfortable, never taken care of. It's so easy to be with you. It takes no effort from my part. It takes no challenge. You are my go to place when I feel lonely. I'm so used to you I get lazy. Why would I try to be the best version of myself when the worst version gets you so easily? Why should I share my darkest thoughts with someone else when you just are my worst nightmare? I don't have to try. I don't have to think... I just have to be. You are what I've always feared. I've become what I always dreaded I'd be. Why try to love? Why try to be someone else? 

I'm dark and twisted inside. I deserve to be in the dark. I'm too freaking scared of the light. You are peach black. You are my ghost. You are this memory that is fading away. I held you tight because I saw you disappearing. I held you so tight, kept you so inside, I lost you. I lost the thought of you. I lost you laugh, your hands, your voice. I've lost everything I had for you. 

I wish I could say something else. I wish I had it in me to keep on going. I don't. I'm all alone in the dark. I don't even have your hand to hold on when I'm sad. I'm lost in my thoughts. I've lost myself in my fears.  So this is goodbye. There's nothing else of me to give out.