I am not usually open. I've been building these walls around me for so long I can't even find the way to bring them down. I've never been excited to see or talk to someone. It sort of happens with you. For the most part of my life I had someone. I had someone who taught me, the hard way, that owning your feelings and verbalizing was like loosing. I was in a relationship where being weak meant being in love. I learned to hide my anger, disappointment, hurt and happiness. I was taught it was a sign of weakness. It was a sign of not being in control.
I am not in love. I don't want to marry you. I'm not even sure if I want to "date" you. I don't know if I have the ability to fall in love. I only know I like being around you and talking to you. I also know I am attracted to you. I don't even know why. I just know I like you.
I am telling you this because the door is open. I am not strong, confident or brave enough to tell you. I am just going to leave the door open. I wish I could be less awkward and a little bit more normal. I am not. I am not.
I will only say it this time. I am not brave enough to actually say it. I'm just writing it so I can get on with my life. I did some things I've never done. In some ways, I've never risked as much as I did with you. In normal parameters is nothing. In my world, it's a big stretch. I am not expecting anything from you. I think I did a few weeks ago. Now I just need to get this out of the way. If there is a time to make a move, it is now. I mean a real move. I am bad at reading in between the lines. I am bad at flirting and I am lousy at understanding subtext.
Of course, I am a coward. I will not actually say this to you. I am just writing it. I know you won't read it. I know I am safe. That is the beauty of writing. I get to live without living. I dream without actually dealing with the consequences of real life.
I am sorry I am not a normal person. I am sorry I will keep playing the only game I know. I will not say I'd like to see you or talk to you. I will eat my words and feed my pride.