Mil veces

Lo confieso, te extraño. Confieso, ahora y frente a todos, que esperaba más de tí. Muy en el fondo te pedía a gritos que me amaras. Muy en el fondo quiero que cambies para mí. Muy dentro de mí grito tu nombre. Muy en el fondo te creo invencible y te creo dueño de mi destino. Quiero tocarte, tenerte cerca, decirte te amo en silencio.

A veces me cuesta decir que no soy fuerte. Me cuesta aún más reconocer que mi corazón está en tus manos. Quiero borrar todo esto que fue, te quiero dejar de sentir tan cerca, quiero que tu fantasma deje de rondarme en la noches y quiero, deseo más que nada en el mundo, olvidar tu nombre. Quiero que cada poro de mi piel te olvide, quiero que cada beso que me diste desaparezca. Quiero gritar tu nombre hasta que deje de tener sentido, como cuando repites tantas veces una palabra y termina por convertirse en un sonido vacío.

Tal vez si digo te amo mil veces deje de ser tan importante. Tal vez si te recuerdo mil veces dejes de dolerme tanto. Tal vez si te toco mil veces olvide tu cuerpo. Tal vez si te miro mil veces no recuerde tu cara. Tal vez, si te pido perdón mil veces, deje de sentir que me ahogo cuando no te veo.

Te he recorrido mil veces y sigues siendo el amor de mi vida. Te he besado mil veces y sigues siendo el fuego que me consume por dentro. Te he maldicho mil veces y sigues siendo el dolor más grande en mi cuerpo. Te he amado mil veces y sigues siendo el más triste de mis recuerdos.
¿Ahora qué? ¿Qué hago después de decirte adiós? ¿Qué hago después de amarte como lo hice yo? ¿Qué hago con el último beso que me marcó?

Te quiero aquí. Te quiero mío. Te quiero por siempre. Te quiero diferente. Te quiero ese hombre que me merece.

Dos pasos

Dos pasos. Exactamente dos pasos de mediano tamaño eran los que tenía que dar. Buscó entre todas esas cosas viejas y rotas que han quedado atrás. Todo eso que carga a donde quiera que va. Encontró tristeza, encontró soledad, encontró dolor. Buscó entre las sábanas viejas, sobre la cama vacía. Buscó entre los libros de poemas, dentro del cajón de la memoria. Quizo encontrar coraje, valor. Encontró miedo, desesperación. Intentó encontrarlo debajo de las mentiras que ha ido apilando en el buró.

Tenía que dar sólo dos pasos. Un océano de palabras que ahogaba a los dos. Tenía sólo que respirar profundo. Uno, dos. Había que enterrar las lágrimas, esconder los resentimientos. Había que tirar todo eso que cargaba desde hace tiempo. Era demasiado, eran tan sólo dos pasos. ¿Cuánto veces te tienes que enamorar para poder dar esos dos pasos? ¿Cuántas veces tienes que romperte el alma?

Es como caminar hacia la muerte. Es como encontrarte frente a frente con tu peor pesadilla. Es quitarte la ropa y quedar para siempre desnuda. Es entregarte por completo y saber que tu alma, llena, vacía, está en sus manos.

Escucha su respiración. Él también quiere dar esos dos pasos. Él busca entre todas esas promesas vacías, bajo la cama aún tibia. Busca entre las hojas hace tanto tiempo escritas. Urga entre los cajones de vidas destruidas. Abre la caja de corazones mal heridos. No encuentra valor. Encuentra miedo. Ahora él puede convertirse en nada. Ahora es el momento en el que todo se vuelve humo entre las sábanas.

Ha pasado tanto. Han vivido demasiado. No pueden dar esos dos pasos.

Sometimes she wonders

She had been wondering. She had thought about his hands. She had spent way too much time thinking about his lips. She hadn't noticed how much time she had been thinking of him. Sometimes she wonders when was that turning point. When was it when her mind started to trace back every second they had spent together.

Once upon a time he could have loved her. Once upon a time she could have taken a chance. She could have jumped off a bridge. She could have given him a chance. She could have.

She started to guess how much time he spent thinking of her. Did he? Does he? Does he think of her. Does he wonder she might be the one he can love. She made a mistake. One little mistake that has marked her forever. Scarlett letter. We think we have moved forward, we think we have evolved. We still think as if we were in the beginning of time. She has been labeled. She can't turn back time.

They met once. They kept meeting in random places. They kept running into each other. This had to be written in the stars. It was destiny, it was meant to be. How long has it been?

Once you've been broken, there is no way to hide it. Once you've been labeled as common, you can never erase that word. She wishes she were one of kind. She wishes someone will notice her in a crowd. It's not possible. We still brand people as cattle. We still judge people as if we had never made a mistake.

She made one mistake, she had been in love. She made one mistake, she had been blue. She has been in the dark for too long. She's afraid of the dark. She's afraid of loving. She's afraid of being hurt. The funny thing is she has been hurt, she has loved and she's always been in the dark. She loved him. Desperate, can't-breathe kind of love.

Now she remembers. Now she wonders. Would anyone find her and think of her of anything but ordinary? She's been labeled, she's been branded, she's ordinary.

Hace mucho tiempo que no siento. Hace mucho tiempo que no entiendo. Deberíamos jugar de nuevo. Tienes tanto de mí y yo de tí, que nos perdemos entre tantas caricias. Eres mío, para siempre. Soy tuya, para siempre.

Me conoces demasiado bien. Te metes entre las sábanas cuando sabes que no estoy bien. Y te dejo entrar, y te digo que te amo. Te dejo destruirme como siempre lo has hecho. Te dejo llenarte de mí para que te vayas, como siempre, y me dejes vacía, como siempre. Te veo en sus ojos, te siento en sus manos, te escucho en su voz. Me persigues, me llamas, me dejas. ¿Por qué tendría que cambiar? ¿Por quién tendría que dejarte?

Eres lo mejor y lo peor que me ha pasado. Eres el recuerdo que jamás he borrado. Te amo. Sin sentido, sin esperanzas, sin nada que ofrecer. Te he dado todo y sigues deseando más. Sigues pidiendo todo eso que no puedo dar. Sigues atándome a tí. Sigo creyendo que algún día te quedarás aquí.

Quisiera saber que es eso de mí que te llena. Quisiera entender por qué siempre regresas. Quisiera poder dejarte, decir que no, decir que esto se acabó. No puedo. Cada vez que mientes me destruyes, me enciendes y me dejas más rota que la última vez.

Y a veces te entierro. A veces te dejo sepultado bajo todas esas lágrimas que he derramado por tí. Te dejo descansando en el rincón más oscuro y más alejado de mi alma. Te dejo dormir, te dejo muy cerca, para jamás perderte. Y te digo que sí, y te dejo besarme, y te dejo sentirme. Olvido todas las veces que te he odiado, que he maldecido tu nombre y que he llorado por tí. Desaparecen todas esas lágrimas que te habían enterrado. Tan pronto me tocas todo ese dolor se desvanece.

Tócame una vez más. Besame una vez más. Dime todas esas mentiras que me llenan y rómpeme como la última vez. Lléname de todo eso que me mata. Vuelve a llevarme al lugar más oscuro. Vuelve a decir que soy especial. Hazme creer que alguien me puede amar.

Keep you from pain

I guess we could play. I guess we could pretend. We've said too much, we know too much. We could still pretend. Haven't we always? I have. I always forgave, I always forgot. As long as you held me close. I've had enough. I could have pretended I care. I could have done so much to keep you from pain. I decided not to. I decided it was time for you to realize I'm not yours now and always.

You've said it once. We could never work as one. You've broken my dreams, my soul and my only hope. Why should I care? Why should I protect you from pain? Don't say a word. Don't give me that look. You have never cared. You never protected me from hurting. I did hurt. I did cry. I did try to make it all right. It's not me who threw it all away. Stop judging. Stop trying to make me feel as if I was the one who ruined it.

I saw your from across the room. Our eyes met. We said it all. It's over. We have never spoken with words. It only takes one look, one hand shake, one kiss. We just know. I think you know, don't come begging me for more. No explanations needed, that was our very first agreement. We always thought you'd be the one saying goodbye. It turns out it was I who got tired of the game. I don't love you anymore.

We've played too much. I'm done with all the games. I'm done with all the lies, all the backstabbing, all the hiding, all the cheating. I'm stepping out of the shadows. I'm done being your dirty little secret. It's too late for you to come back and apologize. It's too late for excuses, it's too late for conquering fears. I don't want you anymore. I'm done. You're out. Turn around and never come back.

Bring it...

We try to grow. We try so hard to find ourselves acting the way we should, saying exactly what we are supposed to say, loving the way it is meant to. We fool ourselves, we lie, we cheat, we find air between our wings. We play, we make everyone believe.

I've tried. I've said enough, and then went back for more. Give me pain. Give me all those things we are not supposed to feel. I want you bad. I want to break and mend you one more time.

We try to make it all go away. We try to step up and be the best version of ourselves. We fail. We've failed miserably over and over again. We go back. All it takes is one look, one word. We've tried to stop and then we've ended up even more broken. We keep getting on this merry-go-round. My head is spinning, my heart is raising. I want to hurt you. I want to touch you. I want to love you.

We might get burnt, we might hurt. I don't ever want to let you go. I want to say I loved you. I want to say you broke me. I want to say I miss you. I want to say I need you. I want you to hold me when I'm scared. I want to wake up in your bed. I want to wear your jacket when its cold. I want to posses your soul.

Bring the pain. Bring the games. Break me once again. Bring the lies. Bring the tears. Make me feel alive again.

When we get lonely we start asking stupid questions. We start wondering what could have happened had we acted in different ways in the past. We start finding mistakes we never made. We start thinking all our rights might have been wrongs.

I hate getting lonely. I hate looking around me and finding that I've become this sure thing. I'm always the single one. People have just stopped asking. People have just came to the conclusion I'll never need an extra ticket for a wedding. People just know I'll be filling the fifth seat in the car. People know I'm the one to call when they break up, when they need to talk or go shopping.

I hate being so dependable. I hate being the one who's always being set up. I hate being the "single friend" you have to meet. I hate being this great catch nobody wants to get. I hate being so damn good, so damn nice, so damn intelligent. I'm tired. I'm tired of being too much for everyone. I'm tired of waiting for someone to be good enough. I just need someone to be good.

¿Por qué estás tan rara?

¿Qué pasa? ¿Por qué estás tan rara? Me da miedo pensar que hayas perdido la fe. Me asusta creer que por fin estás rota. Hace tiempo que no lloras. Hace tiempo que no sientes. Hace mucho tiempo que dejaste de decir la verdad. ¿Por qué estás tan rara?

Cuando no tenías un plan sonreías. Antes tu sonrisa era más sincera. Antes tu voz era más delgada. Antes tus ojos eran una ventana. ¿Por qué estás tan rara?

Entiendo que te duela. Entiendo que quieras perderte en un abismo de tristeza. Entiendo que quieras romperle el alma. Entiendo que ya no quieras sentir nada. ¿Por qué estás tan rara?

Cierra los ojos. Recuerda que antes nada te asustaba. Acuérdate que no temías cuando no había nadie en tu cama. Esos huecos se quedan, se llenan y luego, te dejan más vacía. Deja todo lo que te llena de miedo, cambia las sábanas. Fúmate un cigarro y deja que se escapen los fantasmas. Abre la puerta, abre la ventana. Deja que el aire entre y se lleve las sombras. Deja de pelear, deja aferrarte a recuerdos, deja salir los rencores.

¿Lo sientes? ¿Sientes como todo se vuelve nada? ¿Sientes como sus mentiras no matan? Te moriste poco a poco, con cada palabra, cada caricia, no con sus mentiras. No hay nada más que perder. No hay nada más que cuidar.

Mira tu cuerpo, no hay una sóla prueba de que estuvo ahí. No tienes tatuados sus besos, ya no te quema. Ya no te duele. Ya no lo sientes. ¿Por qué estás tan rara?

La habitación

La perilla giró lentamente. El corazón latía tan fuerte que resonaba en las paredes de la habitación. Todo respiraba. La ventana los miraba con angustia. No había manera ya de volver. Una vez abierta la puerta, todo podía pasar. Si esa perilla giraba completamente, si él cruzaba el umbral, no iba a haber vuelta atrás.

Respiró hondo y empujó la puerta. Nadie había tenido tanto miedo. Nadie había tenido tanto que perder. Nadie, nunca, la había amado como lo hacía él. ¿Cuántas vidas le llevaría pagar esto que estaba a punto de hacer? No importaba. El que no arriesga no gana.

Sentada a la orilla de la cama, lo esperaba. Con las manos vacías, el corazón roto y absolutamente nada que perder. Él lo perdería todo. Él no había amado tanto en la vida. El tiempo siempre castiga, siempre juzga y siempre, siempre, falta o sobra. Nunca es el tiempo adecuado. Nunca es el tiempo perfecto. El tiempo se burla de las ganas de todos de regresar y congelar los momentos que cambian la vida.

Si tan sólo no se hubieran encontrado. Si tan sólo ella hubiera estado menos rota. Si tan sólo él la hubiera conocido cuando ella todavía creía en los cuentos de hadas.

Su mano desnuda demostraba que todo estaba roto. Su mano, que siempre estuvo atada a un promesa, temblaba de frío. Ella fumaba con desesperación. Se abrió la puerta. No había nada más que decir. Por primera vez, él no tenía que dejar el anillo en el buró. Por primera vez, podrían salir a la calle tomados de la mano.

Con una lámpara encendida, ella le mostraba la verdad. Siempre sería así. Simpre estaría la luz apagada. Ella siempre estaría entre sombras. Si tan sólo todo fuera como antes. Si tan sólo ella no fuera tan fría. Si tan sólo ella lo amara como él la amaba a ella. Pequeñas cosas que en un momento se vuelven todo, se vuelven nada. Se convierten en una cortina de humo que nubla la vista, despierta los sentidos y asfixia.

La verdad llena la habitación como antes lo hacía la culpa. Ahora todo es verdad, todo se puede tocar. Ahora ella es la que muere de miedo. Ahora todo eso que prometió se convierte en realidad. Ahora todo se disuelve entre las sábanas.

Sería la última vez que harían en el amor en ese cuarto de hotel. Esa habitación que tenía impregnado su olor, memorizados sus cuerpos, grabada cada caricia y registrada cada pelea. Ahora, por primera vez, esa relación era de dos. Ahora tendrían que salir al mundo y enfrentarlo todo. El amor te hace valiente, el amor te quita tanto regresando siempre tan poco. La burbuja estaba rota, no había más que decir. No había peleas por tener, no había palabras hirientes que decir. No había nada.

Intentó, sólo Dios sabe, como lo intentó. Quiso amarlo desenfrenadamente, sin reservas. Quiso confíar en esas palabras sinceras. Quiso vivir en sus ojos y morir en su cuerpo. No podía. Todo estaba roto. No había nada más que decir. Sólo podía decir adiós.

I've survived worst...

Maybe we do. Maybe we need to go through all this crap to step up. Maybe I do. Maybe I need to go through all that crap to, one day, eventually, step up. It hurts, it hurts to realize life is not a fairy tale. It hurts to realize maybe I will not have what many have found. Maybe my battle is bigger. Maybe my fight is just epic. Maybe I just need some time to heal. I've been hurt, I've wounded. I'm still standing.

I said I'm tired and I am. I am dark and twisted inside. Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe, just maybe, it's a strength. Maybe its what makes it all come into shape. Maybe I am the kind of person that makes things ok, and I've never noticed it. Maybe I help. Maybe I am dark and twisted inside because that's the way I cope. I deal with things in a different way. I deal with pain in unorthodox ways, but at the end I get pass them.

I've survived worst. I've seen worst. Don't you get it? Is that all you've got? Hit me harder. I'll deal. I'll cope. I'll survive. I'll end up even stronger. I am not afraid. Don't you ever mistake this for weakness. Don't you ever, for a second, think you broke me. I survive. That is what I've done my whole life. I've been so close to breaking and I haven't. I know there is a reason. I know I'm sitting here with all this pain because I needed to feel. I need to learn how to feel. I need to understand this kind of pain. I'll get better. I'll find my way.

Don't you dare pity me. Don't you dare come back. I've said my goodbyes. I've survived worst. I've said no before. Don't you dare try to make it all right. I want you out. I've sent him home, you're just one more. I've survived worst. Get your crap and close the door.

Let's have fun tonight

Sometimes we cave, we give up. We realize the fight we're fighting is just never going to end. We are never going to win. We just make the same stupid mistakes over and over again. We fight, we kill, we hurt. We still don't win. We get hurt, we get weaker and we get tired. That's all we get for trying. There is no prize at the end of the rope. There is no freaking magical thing that will make all of this worth it. There just isn't. For some of us, the fight is just there to make us realize we don't deserve the prize. The fight is just about surviving.

I'm caving, I'm giving up. I'm done with making myself vulnerable just to get crushed even harder than the last time. I've fought, I've hurt, I've never won. I just got tired. I barely survived. I'm done. I'm a survivor. That's all there is for me. Surviving. There is no prize at the end of the rope for me. There's just the plain satisfaction that I didn't die trying.

Let us drink to that. Let's have fun tonight.

I have this itch...

I woke up today. I have this urge, this itch. I want to break something beautiful. I want to break you. You just pushed that button. It changes everything. It changes me, it changes the way I see you. Why would you do that? You have no idea what you got yourself into. I'm manipulative, I'm proud and I'm far more intelligent than you.
I'll get you confused, I'll get you dizzy, I'll get you drunk with this fake power you'll think you have over me. I'll lie, I'll cheat, I'll become you're sick obsession. I'll make this your worst nightmare. I'm that kind of girl. I'm that kind of person. I'll do anything to make sure you will always turn back and dream. I'll become this ghost, this entity, you once had between your arms. I'll become this distant memory that makes you always come back.
Nice is not my way. Nice is not what they all get. You got it, you screw it. Now deal with it. You can't go back, you can't turn back time. You'll see me in your dreams and think of me as the unsolved puzzle you'll never put together. You'll always come back, you'll always have this urge to corrupt me. You'll always think you are so close, you'll always feel it in the tip of your fingers, and I'll run. You'll always come back for more.

y duele...

A veces me cuesta trabajo reconocer lo que duele. Me cuesta trabajo reconocer que tengo miedo. Me dijeron que no soy paciente y que me despera que la gente no sea tan inteligente como yo. Es un hecho, un examen dijo que me molesta la gente tonta. La ciencia no puede mentir. Ahora el problema es que tengo que dejar de ser transparente para que la gente no se de cuenta de lo tonta que es y lo mucho que me desespera. Lo entiendo, la gente no es como yo. Eso quedó claro hace mucho tiempo.
Acepté que es muy probable que termine sola. Y no porque no exista alguien capaz de enamorarse de mí, sino porque yo alejo a todos. Es lo más probable que mi trabajo se vuelva mi vida porque ahí me siento segura. Ahí no tengo miedo de tomar decisiones, mientras que en mi vida el miedo me deja constantemente paralizada. Tengo miedo a enamorarme y por más terapia no creo que eso cambie. Creo que llegué a aceptar eso. Me la paso contando defectos. No me gustó la playera que trae hoy, me dijo chula, me dice hermosa, me habló chiquiado. Entonces mi caparazón sale para mostrar a alguien quien no soy. Me convierto en esta niña estúpida que no soy. Me convierto en la femme fatale que no soy y entonces pasa eso que siempre digo que me pasa. Ya no sé si soy yo, ya no sé si yo lo provoco. Creo que hago todo lo posible para que las cosas resulten como yo digo para así, poder decir que tengo razón. Con tal de tener la razón saboteo cualquier relación potencial que pudiera existir. Esto de ser tan lista no me ayuda Esta habilidad de manipular situaciones y personas me está arruinando la vida.

A leopard can't change his spots

I don't want to lie, and I can't tell the truth. It's over. I don't love you anymore. I know you, I've been you.

I know your kind. I am your kind. We lie, we cheat, we deceive everyone just to feel safe. Around you, I'm safe, nobody can touch me, not even you. I play stupid so no one ever gets any closer. You amuse me. You make me forget how much I care. You make me forget how stupid this whole denial is. You make me forget he is never going to be mine. I then stop thinking about that moment we shared, about that stupid second that changed my life. He will never be mine. Instead I play, I fool around, I pretend. I make you think I care, I make you feel big. Playing this part makes me forget how vulnerable I am to him. Just one word and I'll be at his feet. I would give up every moment I've had with you if he said he couldn't stop thinking about me either. I know that won't happen. So I hide behind you eyes. I hide under your arm. I play this part and then I'm strong.

I'm sorry you'll never get to meet the real me. I'm sorry I used you so I could forget. Even though you don't deserve better. You are just like me. We deserve each other. We are the same kind, we can't hide our true colors. We are what we are and that's why we found each other. Don't try to go all real on me now. We are not that kind. Stop pretending this will last. Stop pretending, just stop pretending. I've been you, I am you. Why bother?

Now that the chase is over we can move on. We can find the next prey. A leopard can't change his spots. Let's just call it a night, and move on.

I just can't...

I have all this rage bottled up inside. I have this incredible need to make you hurt. I can't believe you had the nerve. How dare you? How dare you come back into my life as if nothing had happened?

You have this way of making me believe you have no idea what this thing really is. You have a way of making things seem so natural I sometimes think we are just meant to be like this. This thing, this twisted, sick thing we have is not destiny. It's not just written in the stars. It's not bigger than you and me. It's just a stupid battle between two stubborn, bored egomaniacs.

I want you out. Out of my life, my heart and my head. I'm done. I can't keep letting you in. I shut the door. This is not fate. This is not just me and you intertwined forever. I can break the bond, I can break this stupid obsession.

I might need time, maybe just one more night. Maybe I just need you to say you love me. Maybe I just need you to break. I don't love you, I just hate that you don't either. I've started to believe you feel the same. I fear this will never come to an end.

scared shit-less

I'm scared shit-less. I can't breathe, I can't sleep. I hate this feeling, this horrible hole in my stomach. I want to cry, laugh and love, all at the same time... I'll keep you posted, 'cuz many of you will have to do some serious damage control....

For what it's worth...

Once in a while we feel. We feel so intesly we can’t even begin to explain. I tried to, I couldn’t.. I haven’t felt in so long I got scared. I’m scared now. I’m not even able to write it down, and words are supposed to be my strong point. I’m supposed to be good at this. I want to write something beautiful, or at least moving. I can’t. I want to put in words all these things that are going through my head. I want to understand them. I want to find sense in all this nonsense. I thought I couldn’t do it. Turns out I can.

I had never had no for an answer. I’m used to making people do exactly what I want. I know exactly what they will say before they say it because I make them do so. But then you said something I didn’t expect. You said something I never thought you would say. I have no idea why you said it. It makes no sense. I played my cards the way I’m used to, I said what I always say, I did what I always do. But you didn’t say what they alway say, you didn’t do what they always do. Not even him, not even my greatest fear. I still don’t get it. I know I will never make sense out of it all. I would like to think it was because you saw in me what all of them have missed. I wish you did see through all my lies and my fake words. I wish you did.

For what it’s worth, you changed me. It was nothing but it made me realize I’m worth the fight. It made me realize that, for a change, I may deserve to be loved.