I've survived worst...

Maybe we do. Maybe we need to go through all this crap to step up. Maybe I do. Maybe I need to go through all that crap to, one day, eventually, step up. It hurts, it hurts to realize life is not a fairy tale. It hurts to realize maybe I will not have what many have found. Maybe my battle is bigger. Maybe my fight is just epic. Maybe I just need some time to heal. I've been hurt, I've wounded. I'm still standing.

I said I'm tired and I am. I am dark and twisted inside. Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe, just maybe, it's a strength. Maybe its what makes it all come into shape. Maybe I am the kind of person that makes things ok, and I've never noticed it. Maybe I help. Maybe I am dark and twisted inside because that's the way I cope. I deal with things in a different way. I deal with pain in unorthodox ways, but at the end I get pass them.

I've survived worst. I've seen worst. Don't you get it? Is that all you've got? Hit me harder. I'll deal. I'll cope. I'll survive. I'll end up even stronger. I am not afraid. Don't you ever mistake this for weakness. Don't you ever, for a second, think you broke me. I survive. That is what I've done my whole life. I've been so close to breaking and I haven't. I know there is a reason. I know I'm sitting here with all this pain because I needed to feel. I need to learn how to feel. I need to understand this kind of pain. I'll get better. I'll find my way.

Don't you dare pity me. Don't you dare come back. I've said my goodbyes. I've survived worst. I've said no before. Don't you dare try to make it all right. I want you out. I've sent him home, you're just one more. I've survived worst. Get your crap and close the door.

Let's have fun tonight

Sometimes we cave, we give up. We realize the fight we're fighting is just never going to end. We are never going to win. We just make the same stupid mistakes over and over again. We fight, we kill, we hurt. We still don't win. We get hurt, we get weaker and we get tired. That's all we get for trying. There is no prize at the end of the rope. There is no freaking magical thing that will make all of this worth it. There just isn't. For some of us, the fight is just there to make us realize we don't deserve the prize. The fight is just about surviving.

I'm caving, I'm giving up. I'm done with making myself vulnerable just to get crushed even harder than the last time. I've fought, I've hurt, I've never won. I just got tired. I barely survived. I'm done. I'm a survivor. That's all there is for me. Surviving. There is no prize at the end of the rope for me. There's just the plain satisfaction that I didn't die trying.

Let us drink to that. Let's have fun tonight.

I have this itch...

I woke up today. I have this urge, this itch. I want to break something beautiful. I want to break you. You just pushed that button. It changes everything. It changes me, it changes the way I see you. Why would you do that? You have no idea what you got yourself into. I'm manipulative, I'm proud and I'm far more intelligent than you.
I'll get you confused, I'll get you dizzy, I'll get you drunk with this fake power you'll think you have over me. I'll lie, I'll cheat, I'll become you're sick obsession. I'll make this your worst nightmare. I'm that kind of girl. I'm that kind of person. I'll do anything to make sure you will always turn back and dream. I'll become this ghost, this entity, you once had between your arms. I'll become this distant memory that makes you always come back.
Nice is not my way. Nice is not what they all get. You got it, you screw it. Now deal with it. You can't go back, you can't turn back time. You'll see me in your dreams and think of me as the unsolved puzzle you'll never put together. You'll always come back, you'll always have this urge to corrupt me. You'll always think you are so close, you'll always feel it in the tip of your fingers, and I'll run. You'll always come back for more.

y duele...

A veces me cuesta trabajo reconocer lo que duele. Me cuesta trabajo reconocer que tengo miedo. Me dijeron que no soy paciente y que me despera que la gente no sea tan inteligente como yo. Es un hecho, un examen dijo que me molesta la gente tonta. La ciencia no puede mentir. Ahora el problema es que tengo que dejar de ser transparente para que la gente no se de cuenta de lo tonta que es y lo mucho que me desespera. Lo entiendo, la gente no es como yo. Eso quedó claro hace mucho tiempo.
Acepté que es muy probable que termine sola. Y no porque no exista alguien capaz de enamorarse de mí, sino porque yo alejo a todos. Es lo más probable que mi trabajo se vuelva mi vida porque ahí me siento segura. Ahí no tengo miedo de tomar decisiones, mientras que en mi vida el miedo me deja constantemente paralizada. Tengo miedo a enamorarme y por más terapia no creo que eso cambie. Creo que llegué a aceptar eso. Me la paso contando defectos. No me gustó la playera que trae hoy, me dijo chula, me dice hermosa, me habló chiquiado. Entonces mi caparazón sale para mostrar a alguien quien no soy. Me convierto en esta niña estúpida que no soy. Me convierto en la femme fatale que no soy y entonces pasa eso que siempre digo que me pasa. Ya no sé si soy yo, ya no sé si yo lo provoco. Creo que hago todo lo posible para que las cosas resulten como yo digo para así, poder decir que tengo razón. Con tal de tener la razón saboteo cualquier relación potencial que pudiera existir. Esto de ser tan lista no me ayuda Esta habilidad de manipular situaciones y personas me está arruinando la vida.

A leopard can't change his spots

I don't want to lie, and I can't tell the truth. It's over. I don't love you anymore. I know you, I've been you.

I know your kind. I am your kind. We lie, we cheat, we deceive everyone just to feel safe. Around you, I'm safe, nobody can touch me, not even you. I play stupid so no one ever gets any closer. You amuse me. You make me forget how much I care. You make me forget how stupid this whole denial is. You make me forget he is never going to be mine. I then stop thinking about that moment we shared, about that stupid second that changed my life. He will never be mine. Instead I play, I fool around, I pretend. I make you think I care, I make you feel big. Playing this part makes me forget how vulnerable I am to him. Just one word and I'll be at his feet. I would give up every moment I've had with you if he said he couldn't stop thinking about me either. I know that won't happen. So I hide behind you eyes. I hide under your arm. I play this part and then I'm strong.

I'm sorry you'll never get to meet the real me. I'm sorry I used you so I could forget. Even though you don't deserve better. You are just like me. We deserve each other. We are the same kind, we can't hide our true colors. We are what we are and that's why we found each other. Don't try to go all real on me now. We are not that kind. Stop pretending this will last. Stop pretending, just stop pretending. I've been you, I am you. Why bother?

Now that the chase is over we can move on. We can find the next prey. A leopard can't change his spots. Let's just call it a night, and move on.