Sunday, March 30, 2008

I wish I could say exactly what I feel. But I can't. I'm sorry is not enough. However I can't help thinking it is not all my fault. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write but since this is the only way I can express the way I feel, I'll give it a try.
I am aware I'm not the easiest person in the world, that I am emotional, impossible to reach and incredibly distracted. I also know you are everything but. Except from that I am lost. I don't know how to balance these two parts of my life. I can't find that equilibrium that life should have. Maybe I am too selfish but I don't want to give up everything I am living . I am having fun, getting to know myself and others. I'm getting out of a shell, trying to be less socially retarded and I am experimenting new and exciting things. I have great things happening in my life. I've learned I do not break, I am strong and that I can survive. I am starting to love myself and accept what I am. I am fighting demons I've never dare to even think of. And its hard and scary, but I know I will be fine. I now understand I need to fall to grow up, that it is normal to hurt. I am willing to do so, and I am trying. But then there's you. I know all this is hurting you, and I wish I could stop. But then I also understand I used to hurt in a similar way, and it was up to me to stop the hurting. I can't keep fighting because I love you. Still I can't be that person I used to be. I am sorry, because maybe it is not fair to you. All I can say is I love you. I do. Maybe you don't see it, or feel it. I know, "where is this love?" Still I don't know what is it that you need. I know is not only my presence, because it something bigger. It would be very easy to say its just me, believe me, I know how to make everything about me. I know it is not. I do apologize for neglecting, I know I have. I also apologize for not being there. I know my absence hurts because yours did. I promise I'll try harder. I just need you to open up the door a bit. If you want not all the way, just let me see the light so I can find my way back home.

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