Saturday, January 21, 2006
so.. I played
It suddenly hit me. I'm doing it all wrong. I'm not living the right way. I'm not drinking enough, flirting enough, playing enough and I am thinking and feeling too much. At first, I must confess, I got pretty confused. I watched her, she looked so comfortable in her skin and she seemed free, happy. She didn't care if he was looking at her or even if he loved her. She was just flirting. She looked deep into his eyes, danced closer and believe it or not, he fell for it. They kissed! I couldn't believe my eyes. I obviously had to ask her what was happening. She just said she was playing a game. She seems to like that game. So I played it. At first it was exciting. I felt attention, I felt like somebody cared I was there. I was actually there, I seemed to be important and he said pretty things. So I continued playing. Then, the game came to an end. It didn't seem that great after all. So, I'm confused. I felt empty, I felt regret, I felt mean and felt unimportant. She seems happy, so why can't I accomplish that? I then started to think, that maybe, I'm just doing it all wrong. Maybe I had to flirt more, I had to think less and I had to feel less. But then who would I be? I'm sure it wouldn't be me.