Every now and then...

Every now and then I think of you. I remember your eyes, I remember your lies. Every now and then I wonder. I wonder if I could have been the one. I wonder if you could have ever taken a chance. That's the problem with maybes. We make ourselves believe we might one day get what we always wanted. That's the problem with not saying goodbye.

I wish I could say you love me. I wish I could say you're just too scared to be with me. The truth is you don't, the truth is you are not. I keep wishing you'll show up in the middle of the night, heartbroken. I wish you would just come and say those three words. I'd give anything to hear you say I love you.

It rains. Its pouring. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop hopping you'll come and rescue me from all this nonsense. I keep wishing you'll have this epiphany where you realize I'm your destiny. It will never happen. My door is locked, you are not coming in the middle of the night to knock it down. 

Just when I am about to let go of all this hope, you come around. You call. You text. You ask me about my day. Not because something happened but because you just wanted to talk to me. It breaks my heart. It tears apart every single fiber in my body. It feels like putting my self back together after being broken for so long. It feels like dying. It kills me to think I am just this random thought. It takes my breath away, you still know every single button, how to push it and where to find it. It makes me mad. It angers me to fall back into you that easily. I don't fight back. I jus text you back, answer the phone and tell you all about what is going on. 

We do this every time. We just pretend we are back to the beginning, with no commitments, no shattered hopes and nothing else to lose. It's like you'll be coming by like you used to and we'll just do the things we used to. 

These moments are so precious. There are these wrinkles in time where nothing has been broken. We laugh, we talk. Sometimes, we take a chance. We get so close, you brush against me and lean over. This instant, this second, makes it all worth while. All the lies, all the dreams, all the made out memories and hopes become nothing. An electric impulse triggered by your fingertips, runs all over my body, and every tear I shed goes away. 

I cried you, not a river, but an ocean. I hurt as bad as anyone can hurt. I cursed a hundred times. I promised myself I wouldn't go back for more pain. But then, you kiss me. You drink me in and then I forget about the pain. In this instant, I am whole again. I can't think of a reason to keep you out. I can't think, period. I love to be this way. I love who you make me. I am back to my careless, free and happy self. 

I swore I would never take you back. I did, just for one moment. Everything else vanished, you were here, not with her. Now, after the high, I'm all broken inside. I am back to the mess you left so many years ago. Everything I managed to put back together got shattered again. I must not be right in the head, however, to tell you the truth, I'd do it all over again.