Friday, June 27, 2014

You are my drug of choice

You are my drug of choice. I had been sober for too long. I had forgotten the high, the thrill, the absolute bliss you give me. My demons had been silent for such a long time, they had forgotten how to come out. My darkness just blends perfectly with yours. We are one of a kind, you and me. We are this absolutely intoxicating chemical reaction that just implodes, every time. 
I had been able to keep the cravings in line. I had been having my daily placebo and made myself believe I was no longer in withdrawal. As soon as I saw you, I had this itch. It came from my darkest place. It missed you. It longed for you. It needed to be heard, played with. 
I tried to fight it. I tried to deny it. I had been sober for so long. I had been such a good girl for so long. I fought. I had reason by my side. We are no good for each other. We are no good for anyone around us. I am no good for you. You are certainly no good for me. We just burst into flames every single time. We alienate everyone. We are no good for anyone. 
The worst thing someone can ever do is stand in the sidelines of this mess. We are not only willing to destroy ourselves but we go with a bang. It never lasts long. We are unable to keep this stable. That's the beauty and horror of it. We just are not able to keep it normal.
I've always had two sides of me. This one part of me only comes out when you call it. You make me feel so free. With you, I do not have the urge to think about who I am or pretend to be. With you, tomorrow is never a question. We never have tomorrow. All these years, we've only had today. You come out of the shadows just to tempt me, make me the bad behaved girl you know I can be. You bring out my demons, untamed. You let them run wild and free. You do not give me the feeling of not being good enough. You make me feel like the most exquisite and special thing that has ever walked this earth. You take away the shame from all my demons. You take away the guilt, the hurt and the desperation. You make me reckless, selfish and completely and utterly happy. You make me smile like an idiot, fuck like a nymphomaniac, laugh like a child, write like an erudite and live like a daredevil. 
Your are my drug of choice. I had been sober for so long. I had forgotten the complete desolation you leave behind. I didn't remember the pain and messes my demons bring when untamed. I had forgotten how hopeless and alone you leave me, every time. I had forgotten the guilt, the rock bottom. The road down your high is absolutely devastating. They way back home is lonely and dark. I have to keep my demons in line, my darkness hidden and mend my heart. 
With you, I become this person who hurts everybody. I don't care, I don't mind. I just need your fire. That is all I crave, want or need. I burn all the bridges, I stop feeling. The numbness, the absolute silence in my head is just heaven.

Just one last high. 

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