Sunday, June 22, 2014

This person I have become

I've never been yours. I really tried. I really hoped I could love you. The truth is, I never did. I kept making you my perfect excuse. If I suffered you, I couldn't possible suffer for something else. I became a ghost. I became this vision that could never become real. I made myself impossible to touch, to love. I made myself everything you wanted but feared the most. I kept quiet. 
I am nothing but what I made myself. I am not yours. I am not a toy you pick up whenever you are bored. I am not half the things you resolved me to be. You once said you needed me to need you. I did, in my own way. I needed you to keep me from everyone else. You did. You kept making me feel as this unattainable little thing. I became what I wanted you to think of me. You couldn't hurt me that way. You couldn't break me. I closed myself up from everything remotely dangerous. I stopped feeling. I felt too much.
I felt every little thing, making me numb to real feelings. I can't feel you. I stopped feeling you a long time ago. I made you my shield from the world. I made you everything you are not. I made myself believe I could only be happy with you, with that make believe version of you.

I saw you. I had imagined this moment a hundred times. I played over and over, all the possible scenarios in my head. It was no big deal. I saw you, I felt nothing. I didn't tremble when you kissed me. My heart did not skip a beat when you hugged me. I didn't lose my breath when I smelled your scent. I just held you. I just stood there, looked at you and realized you were half the man I built you up to be. I will always care. I will always have a place for you in my heart. This time, I realized it just this part, not my whole heart. I have room for something more, for someone else. I have room in my bed, my heart, my mind. You are not my whole heart anymore. You are not my whole dreams and thoughts.

After all this time I realize I loved you. In my own, messed up way, I did. I made my life this comfortable waiting room. I built up this world that had a space for you. All the time, you could just enter without any trouble. You had your chair. I was there sitting beside you all the time. It worked, in a way. It did, for a while. I had time to do all those things people should do in order to grow. I grew up. I wasn't distracted. For that, in a weird way, I thank you. I had the time to become the person I am today.

The person I am today moved, little by little all the furniture out of the waiting room I had built. Without me noticing, this version of me filled the wholes I left for you. I had left all this void space for you to settle once you had done and tried all the things you needed. I filled those wholes without noticing. This person I have become, was smart enough to let you go. I am sorry I didn't notice. I held you yesterday and then, I realized I had let you go.

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