Thursday, March 02, 2006

A soul just like mine

I read it. It hit me. I'm high. That must be it. There's no other explanation. I'm in a state of euphoria I had never experienced. I like the thrill. I flirted enough, I didn't think and I felt nothing. I read that the important thing is not the fall is the landing. That frightens me. However, I can't stop. Once you've got a taste of what it is like to live, you want to continue doing it. The adrenaline is so amazing I'm numb to my pain. However it is still there. The wounds are still fresh and nothing has been fixed. Well, only one thing has changed he is not making me ache. My pain is only mine and I am the only one to blame. Mi hands still shake, I still don't feel pretty enough but I feel in control and I love it. I now know what I do not want. I now know control is everything when they are just being boys. I don't want to fall for a boy, I'm just playing with them. I like playing with boys but I want to fall for a man. I want a soul with instinct and not instinct withous soul. However, I'm aware that for that I will have to wait. Now I'm just playing, I'm just feeling my blood run through my veins and I'm being all instinct and no soul. It feels good. No matter I'm naked I don't feel naked. However I got a little worried because I also read that we accept the kind of love we think we deserve. So, I came to the conclusion that I don't think I deserve to be loved, just used. But it's still OK, I'm not broken I'm stronger. I've learned to know when I need to love and when I need to play. Today I'm just playing, hopefully tomorrow the one I'm waiting for will teach me how it feels to love. I'm in no hurry, I'm hoping and most of all I'm sure that he's the one I want. I don't care if he doesn't want me back. I know he will eventually realize he is a soul just like mine.

1 comment:

*~PinkTangerine~* said...

What can I say? I'm just hopping you dont get hurt... Its fun to play with fire until you get burn and its fun to cut yourself until you see the blood...I know...and its soo much fun to play with pleope cause unlike not-living things people responds,and its the worst timing (I know where you'll be jejeje) I guess all I can say is that I hope your careful because I would hate to see you unhappy and that if this makes you happy I'm happy for you,its your life and Im happy your living...
Love, your somehow sis..