Thursday, March 02, 2006
A soul just like mine
I read it. It hit me. I'm high. That must be it. There's no other explanation. I'm in a state of euphoria I had never experienced. I like the thrill. I flirted enough, I didn't think and I felt nothing. I read that the important thing is not the fall is the landing. That frightens me. However, I can't stop. Once you've got a taste of what it is like to live, you want to continue doing it. The adrenaline is so amazing I'm numb to my pain. However it is still there. The wounds are still fresh and nothing has been fixed. Well, only one thing has changed he is not making me ache. My pain is only mine and I am the only one to blame. Mi hands still shake, I still don't feel pretty enough but I feel in control and I love it. I now know what I do not want. I now know control is everything when they are just being boys. I don't want to fall for a boy, I'm just playing with them. I like playing with boys but I want to fall for a man. I want a soul with instinct and not instinct withous soul. However, I'm aware that for that I will have to wait. Now I'm just playing, I'm just feeling my blood run through my veins and I'm being all instinct and no soul. It feels good. No matter I'm naked I don't feel naked. However I got a little worried because I also read that we accept the kind of love we think we deserve. So, I came to the conclusion that I don't think I deserve to be loved, just used. But it's still OK, I'm not broken I'm stronger. I've learned to know when I need to love and when I need to play. Today I'm just playing, hopefully tomorrow the one I'm waiting for will teach me how it feels to love. I'm in no hurry, I'm hoping and most of all I'm sure that he's the one I want. I don't care if he doesn't want me back. I know he will eventually realize he is a soul just like mine.