You are my drug of choice

You are my drug of choice. I had been sober for too long. I had forgotten the high, the thrill, the absolute bliss you give me. My demons had been silent for such a long time, they had forgotten how to come out. My darkness just blends perfectly with yours. We are one of a kind, you and me. We are this absolutely intoxicating chemical reaction that just implodes, every time. 

I had been able to keep the cravings in line. I had been having my daily placebo and made myself believe I was no longer in withdrawal. As soon as I saw you, I had this itch. It came from my darkest place. It missed you. It longed for you. It needed to be heard, played with. 

I tried to fight it. I tried to deny it. I had been sober for so long. I had been such a good girl for so long. I fought. I had reason by my side. We are no good for each other. We are no good for anyone around us. I am no good for you. You are certainly no good for me. We just burst into flames every single time. We alienate everyone. We are no good for anyone. 

The worst thing someone can ever do is stand in the sidelines of this mess. We are not only willing to destroy ourselves but we go with a bang. It never lasts long. We are unable to keep this stable. That's the beauty and horror of it. We just are not able to keep it normal.

I've always had two sides of me. This one part of me only comes out when you call it. You make me feel so free. With you, I do not have the urge to think about who I am or pretend to be. With you, tomorrow is never a question. We never have tomorrow. All these years, we've only had today. You come out of the shadows just to tempt me, make me the bad behaved girl you know I can be. You bring out my demons, untamed. You let them run wild and free. You do not give me the feeling of not being good enough. You make me feel like the most exquisite and special thing that has ever walked this earth. You take away the shame from all my demons. You take away the guilt, the hurt and the desperation. You make me reckless, selfish and completely and utterly happy. You make me smile like an idiot, fuck like a nymphomaniac, laugh like a child, write like an erudite and live like a daredevil. 

Your are my drug of choice. I had been sober for so long. I had forgotten the complete desolation you leave behind. I didn't remember the pain and messes my demons bring when untamed. I had forgotten how hopeless and alone you leave me, every time. I had forgotten the guilt, the rock bottom. The road down your high is absolutely devastating. They way back home is lonely and dark. I have to keep my demons in line, my darkness hidden and mend my heart. 

With you, I become this person who hurts everybody. I don't care, I don't mind. I just need your fire. That is all I crave, want or need. I burn all the bridges, I stop feeling. The numbness, the absolute silence in my head is just heaven.

Just one last high. 

Fidelity

Are we truly faithful? Are we really meant to find absolute devotion in someone else? Are we willing to give that back?

Eyes wonder. Hearts unsettle. Just one little thing can change everything. A butterfly flaps its wings. It's a hurricane in someone else's life. We just meant to be nice. You just meant to be warm with the girl your friend brought over. I just meant to be the polite new girl. It was just beyond our control. We are both commited. What harm could come out of this?

Love sometimes just lets pure lust escape. When you love you need to take care of so many things, and then you kind of lose some others. We are so invested in taking care of so many things required in a relationship we forget we are human. We tend forget we have instincts and that taming ourselves is not just an act of pure love. 

Faithfulness is just a spectrum. It's a pallet of colors and we choose where we stand. We do not need to touch to cheat. We don't even need to get close to cheat. Who decides that? Sometimes, it takes a look, just one word. We change everything inside us and we just start fearing we might be unfaithful. 

It doesn't even matter how loyal we are as a person. We can be the must trustworthy being you have ever met, and still, a stranger can make you melt inside. Where do we draw the line? Is cheating having a wet dream about someone else? Is cheating having that electric reaction when someone brushes against you by chance? Am I supposed to feel this way? Is it normal?  Am I cheating?

Someone once said, "if it feels like cheating, it probably is". I don't even know how I feel. I just have this loyalty thing. I guess it's just an honesty thing. I need things to be transparent, clear. I have to tell. I have to let you know I have this urge. I have this itch. If I don't say it, am I cheating?

If we talk about it? Is it cheating? If we fantasize about how could it be if we weren't committed? Is it cheating? The thing is, we can still be in love with someone else. Still, we can't stop looking at each other. Still this beat inside of me can't be silenced. 

It stopped for a while. I didn't find any urges outside where my loyalty laid. Then it did. Then I had this itch, this uncontrollable feeling of feeling turned on by somebody else. The urge to feel someone else's hands over my body. I wanted to be explored and tamed by someone else. I wanted to feel his breathe, taste every little part of him. I wanted to see him whole, naked, sweaty. I wanted to abandon myself to pleasure. I wanted to end up naked, exhausted and trembling. I wanted him to fill this urge. 

If I do not cave, is it cheating? If I do not let myself go to every single urge I have, will I be faithful? Even if I dream at night about his lips, his tongue and every inch of his body, am I still being faithful? If I do not let him lick every hidden part of my body, do I get to keep being loyal? Even if dream about it, think about it and even talk about it?

Where do we draw the line?

De haber sabido

El último beso debería de ser anunciado. Deberíamos saber que nunca más volveremos a sentir el aliento de esa persona que hace que toda razón deje de tener sentido. Debería de existir una señal que te avise que será la última vez que ese cuerpo estará en sintonía con el propio y ambos tendrán que buscar otras frecuencias. 

De existir este tipo de avisos, guardaría el último beso en el cajón más escondido dentro de mi corazón. Guadaría ese momento en que las respiraciones se convierten en una misma. Me quedaría con el impulso eléctrico que te recorre por completo en el instante justo en que los labios se tocan. Guardaría por siempre tu esencia en una camisa. 

Porque nunca nada es igual. Porque cada relación tiene su propio ritmo, su propia velocidad. Porque nadie besa con la misma intensidad o la misma ternura. Porque guardar esos pequeños momentos nos llenaría la vida en vez de dejarnos vacíos. Si pudiera llenarme de tí para dejarte ir, lo haría. Si una despedida pudiera ser anunciada, lo haría. Porque conmigo ninguna despedida ha sido anunciada. Nunca he dicho adiós y me quedo con el alma vacía sin darme cuenta. 

Si me hubieras avisado que sería la última vez, tus caricias no me dolería. Haría que me recorrieras entera para que pudieras sanar todas las cicatrices que una vez dejaste, todas esas veces que me convertiste en fuego y me quemaste. Me quemaste y dejaste todas esas heridas abiertas. 

Si pudiera, guardaría la última mirada cómplice. Esa que nunca será igual. Porque todos crecemos, cambiamos y los ojos nunca son los mismos. Porque la complicidad nunca es la misma. Porque la frecuencia y las bromas escondidas nunca son iguales. Me perdería por última vez en tus ojos miel y encontraría mi propio reflejo para darme cuenta que lo que amo no es tu mirada sino cómo me ves. Porque verme a través de tus ojos nunca ha sido tan hermoso. Porque me enseñaste a observarme con tus pupilas. Me enseñaste a que soy tan tuya porque así me ves, me veías. 

Me quedé sin dueño. No encuentro esas cosas que me hacen quien soy, de quien te enamoraste. De haber sabido, te hubiera pedido me escribieras mil veces para no olvidarme. Porque me perdí, olvidé todo eso que me hizo lo que alguna vez amaste. 

De haber sabido, me encontraría en tu cuerpo una última vez, para no quedarme tan sola. 

This person I have become

I've never been yours. I really tried. I really hoped I could love you. The truth is, I never did. I kept making you my perfect excuse. If I suffered you, I couldn't possible suffer for something else. I became a ghost. I became this vision that could never become real. I made myself impossible to touch, to love. I made myself everything you wanted but feared the most. I kept quiet. 

I am nothing but what I made myself. I am not yours. I am not a toy you pick up whenever you are bored. I am not half the things you resolved me to be. You once said you needed me to need you. I did, in my own way. I needed you to keep me from everyone else. You did. You kept making me feel as this unattainable little thing. I became what I wanted you to think of me. You couldn't hurt me that way. You couldn't break me. I closed myself up from everything remotely dangerous. I stopped feeling. I felt too much.
I felt every little thing, making me numb to real feelings. I can't feel you. I stopped feeling you a long time ago. I made you my shield from the world. I made you everything you are not. I made myself believe I could only be happy with you, with that make believe version of you.

I saw you. I had imagined this moment a hundred times. I played over and over, all the possible scenarios in my head. It was no big deal. I saw you, I felt nothing. I didn't tremble when you kissed me. My heart did not skip a beat when you hugged me. I didn't lose my breath when I smelled your scent. I just held you. I just stood there, looked at you and realized you were half the man I built you up to be. I will always care. I will always have a place for you in my heart. This time, I realized it just this part, not my whole heart. I have room for something more, for someone else. I have room in my bed, my heart, my mind. You are not my whole heart anymore. You are not my whole dreams and thoughts.

After all this time I realize I loved you. In my own, messed up way, I did. I made my life this comfortable waiting room. I built up this world that had a space for you. All the time, you could just enter without any trouble. You had your chair. I was there sitting beside you all the time. It worked, in a way. It did, for a while. I had time to do all those things people should do in order to grow. I grew up. I wasn't distracted. For that, in a weird way, I thank you. I had the time to become the person I am today.

The person I am today moved, little by little all the furniture out of the waiting room I had built. Without me noticing, this version of me filled the wholes I left for you. I had left all this void space for you to settle once you had done and tried all the things you needed. I filled those wholes without noticing. This person I have become, was smart enough to let you go. I am sorry I didn't notice. I held you yesterday and then, I realized I had let you go.

Eso quiero

Arder en el más mundano deseo. Eso es lo que quiero. Quiero ser del mundo y vivir algo ordinario. Quiero dejarme desvestir una y otra vez. Quiero dejar de medir mi vida en relación a sus manos. Quiero empezar a contar el tiempo en relación a mi cuerpo. Quiero llenarme una y otra vez de eso que la gente común hace. La estimulación intelectual puede esperar. Mi verdadero yo se puede presentar en otra ocasión. El día que la conozcas, muy probablemente no te interese seguirla frecuentando. 

No soy de esas. No soy de esas mujeres que se abren y pintan todo de color de rosa. Yo no voy a hacer tu vida mejor. Yo no te voy a cuidar ni me voy a convertir en la tregua que buscas. Yo soy la guerra. Yo soy el enemigo y soy todas esas cosas que las niñas buenas no deben ser. 

No soy paciente. No soy condescendiente. Soy egoista. Soy todas esas cosas que hacen a una mujer peligrosa. Soy todo o nada. No te dejaré en paz en la cama. No soy sosiego. No te voy a hacer sentir mejor. No voy a tomar tu mano y dejar que me guíes. No te voy a dejar nunca controlar mi vida, mucho menos mi mente. No me voy a callar, ni siquiera por respeto a los vecinos. Soy todo eso que un hombre no necesita. 

Arder en el más oscuro de los placeres. Eso es lo que quiero. Quiero devorarte y entre las sábanas, despacio, quemarte. Quiero dejarte explorar cada uno de los recovecos de mi cuerpo. Los de mi mente, esos, me los quedo. Puedes conquistar mi cuerpo cuantas veces quieras. Me puedes tocar completa. Mi alma, esa, me la quedo. 

No soy de esas. No te voy a decir que te amo. No te voy a llenar de ternura. No voy a decirte todo eso que las niñas buenas dicen. Te voy a encontrar en medio de la noche y profanaré cada centimetro de tu cuerpo. Tu corazón, ese, quédatelo.