Sunday, December 23, 2007

bad habits

Sometimes we let ourselves fall back on bad habits. I found myself in a trip down memory lane that was quite interesting. I found that I have indeed changed and I am not the same person I once was. However, I keep making some of the same mistakes. I find myself feeling like that sad teenager that thinks poorly of herself. I find myself wanting to be pretty, thin and desired. I remember how it felt to be the nice girl but not the one. I keep going back to that bad place where I hate everything about my body except my nose. It's not pretty and it's not healthy, I know. I know and do things I wish I could forget. These habits that keep coming back. This void in my chest, these scary thoughts. I find myself wearing that same mask I wore for so long. I find myself lying and closing up again. I wish I could forget. Its been so long I wonder if I ever will be able to leave all those things behind. I think I won't. I think I will always have that thought in the back of my head. I always do. I'm always thinking of new ways to get rid of all my fears in the wrong way. I don't know, maybe I will always have that habit and should live with it as long as I can. I think that is the way I have found to deal, to cope, to feel some sort of control. But then I get scared, I hear all those horrible stories about people like me. Then I look myself in a mirror and find that I'm not even close to how they looked so I just push myself a little more. I guess that if I'm not border line I still can make it work. I know its a stupid thought but that's just the way my mind works.

1 comment:

humantree said...

I missed you, I really did. And I'm worried, I truly am.
Remember, those who love you do remember.
I love you.