Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Almost there

This too, shall pass. I've been repeating myself I will not die of this hurting. I keep telling myself I will not be broken. I can't. I've come too far to let this break me. I breathe in, I take control of what was taken away from me. 
It's been so long, I can hardly remember how it feels to not be damaged. I've always kept my cool. I've always made it seem I was dark and twisted inside just because that was who I am. I've never given any explanation. Nobody asked. 
When someone takes away your identity and your worldview, there is no turning back. There is absolutely no way you can ever be that trusting little girl. There is absolutely no hope. You can never love unconditionally because you always expect to be used. You can never ever be truthful because you know you will be deceived. 
I have never fully trusted. I have never fully loved. I have never been completely honest. Nobody asked why. I am damaged goods. I am broken. I have this fog around me that keeps people from actually seeing me. I keep all, miles away. I keep everyone out of reach. 
I made up all kinds of legends about me. I have orchestrated the perfect lie. She is not interested in love. She will eat you up and spit you out without any regret. Behind these walls, there is a scared six year old screaming her heart out, begging not to be hurt. This little girl has been hurt too much, too often and too deeply. 
I've tried to stop this hurting. I've tried a million times to fix me. I've failed miserably every single time. I am so used to my darkness I can't find the light. Being in the dark almost your whole life makes it very difficult for you to want the light. If you have never felt the sun, you hardly miss it. 
I've built sick relationships that prove, once and again, I am not worthy of love. I keep hurting and being used. That is the only way I know. I´ve been their obsession, their desire, never the love of someone's life. I have never been taken care of. 
I want, for once, to be loved. I want to be the fragile little girl someone cherishes. I don't want to be the temptation they all fall into. I want to stop being someone's obsession. I want to stop the things I make them feel. 
I sometimes wonder if just the mere sight of me awakens the most basic, primal and destructive instincts. I think I do. Men keep obsessing over me, sick, twisted kind of love. I have always been this thing they want to posses, not love. 
I have been used for so long, I don't know how it feels to be protected. This little girl had to fight since I can remember. This fragile little girl had to find it in her to be smarter, manipulative and destructive. I've been playing this part for so long, these walls just won't fall down. 
My heart has never felt the warmth of loving. It is frozen, left all alone in the highest mountain. The more I try to make it better the harsher it becomes, the heavier it gets. I am drowning in quick sand. I am hopelessly fighting something that defeated me a long time ago. 
I can't let it show. I am too close. I am a breath away from accepting I am not meant for love. 

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