scared shit-less

I'm scared shit-less. I can't breathe, I can't sleep. I hate this feeling, this horrible hole in my stomach. I want to cry, laugh and love, all at the same time... I'll keep you posted, 'cuz many of you will have to do some serious damage control....

For what it's worth...

Once in a while we feel. We feel so intesly we can’t even begin to explain. I tried to, I couldn’t.. I haven’t felt in so long I got scared. I’m scared now. I’m not even able to write it down, and words are supposed to be my strong point. I’m supposed to be good at this. I want to write something beautiful, or at least moving. I can’t. I want to put in words all these things that are going through my head. I want to understand them. I want to find sense in all this nonsense. I thought I couldn’t do it. Turns out I can.

I had never had no for an answer. I’m used to making people do exactly what I want. I know exactly what they will say before they say it because I make them do so. But then you said something I didn’t expect. You said something I never thought you would say. I have no idea why you said it. It makes no sense. I played my cards the way I’m used to, I said what I always say, I did what I always do. But you didn’t say what they alway say, you didn’t do what they always do. Not even him, not even my greatest fear. I still don’t get it. I know I will never make sense out of it all. I would like to think it was because you saw in me what all of them have missed. I wish you did see through all my lies and my fake words. I wish you did.

For what it’s worth, you changed me. It was nothing but it made me realize I’m worth the fight. It made me realize that, for a change, I may deserve to be loved.