Please

I know you will never read this. I am aware you have never read this. I know you have never been that kind of person. I am sure you could never find your way into my writing. You just exist in it. You have never understood or cared enough to be part of this world of mine. Still, I write you. Still, I make sense of all this by typing your name in every single letter. I will never tell, you will never know.
I saw you once again. You are this vision. I didn't see it coming. As always, you find me off guard. You knock at the door when I least expect it. I heard you. I heard your heavy breathing. Your words cut like a knife through my heart.
I felt each and everyone of your words. I love you too. I can't open the door. Please go away. Please just let me find my way. You are intoxicating, obsessive and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wanted so bad to open the door. I can't. I won't.
I have been without you for so long. I miss your lips, your hands, your voice. I want you to come back. I can't let you in anymore. It is not the way this was supposed to be. Please leave. Don't make this harder. I can't. I'm paralyzed on the other side of the door. I can feel your hands. I can hear your words. I can almost see your tears. This is not the way it was supposed to be.
How did we ended up so broken? When did we decide hurting each other was the way to show we are deeply in love with each other? I can't. I love you. Please go away.
Never have I felt this urge to let myself go. I wanted to switch off my brain. I wanted to stop thinking. I wanted to forget everything and just open the goddamn door. I am frozen. I am incapable of letting anyone in. You got trapped inside. Still, I can't open the door.
Please let me go. Please stop telling me how much you miss me. Please let time heal all these wounds. I beg you. I need to stop hurting this bad. I need to stop bleeding. I have to stop crying in the middle of the night. I have to stop calling your name in dreams and pretending I am OK without you. I need to be fine without you, for real.
In order to heal, I need to stop this. I have to make this game stop. I am not interested in making you feel like dying. I am no longer invested in finding men so opposite, so different. I do not need to find you in their eyes. I don't want to find a better version of you. I am no longer looking for someone like you. I just need you to let me go. Please, I beg you. Let all those memories fade. Forget my lips, my body and all the things I promised. I cannot wait for you anymore. I cannot be that person. I can't anymore. Please, let me go.