I want to be rid of you

I am not sure if I have ever been in love. The only thing I am sure of is that I have fallen. I have fallen countless times for countless people. 

In the corners of my mind, you will find infinite memories. They all blend together and become nothing. They all become part of my imagination and turn into epic love stories. The truth is, they aren't. 

I have fallen for smart and idiotic men. I have fallen for ugly and beautiful men. I have fallen for funny and serious men. I have collected pieces of different puzzles which I force to fit my own. I have also fallen countless times for you. 

I have found you in green, hazel and blue eyes. I have found you in sarcastic, vain and intelligent comments. I have been able to read your name in every book, essay and article. I see you everywhere. I find you in the most random and planned places. I can't seem to get rid of you. I want to be rid of you. 

I have fallen so many times with the hope I will finally take away this power you have over me. I know I am not in love with you, but I love you. I know you are not in love with me either, but you love me.

All this time without you has taught me I am stuck with you. I want to stop being in your life. I want you to stop thinking about my future and tearing apart every resemblance of a relationship I might have. I need to stop believing you will come back. 

I am rationally convinced this is over. Emotionally, well that is a different story. Emotionally, I am still dependent of you. I still need you to find me attractive to feel pretty. I still need you to validate my intelligence to feel worthy. I do, I still need you to say I am a good person to feel like one. I've heard I am beautiful, smart and good. The words just resonate outside my heart. Your voice has the power to travel, tear down all my walls and, like an arrow, end up in the center of my heart. You gave me confidence. You gave me power. You took it all away. 

I just need you to see me one last time, like you used to. I need to feel the warmth a devoted gaze brings. I need you to hold my hand for the last time. This time I will keep that warmth in my heart, now frozen and uninterested. This time I will cherish the electric impulse traveling through my body when your skin touches mine. This time I will finally believe I am beautiful. I will finally let myself feel and let all this love come into my heart. This time, I promise, I will say I love you back.