I am sorry

I had been sober for so long. I had buried this person I hated and loved at the same time. I had tamed myself. I was no longer the one who made them fall. I was nice, I was the one everyone wanted to set up. I had kept my secret unveiled. I had been nice. 

Suddenly, without any warning, I came back. It was like I had been underwater. I could breathe. He came through the door like every other day. I had been so controlled. I have this thing for men I cannot have. I want them, bad. The less attainable they seem, the more I want them. I wanted to make him fall. He is so controlled, so good. The only one people say it is impossible to corrupt. I wanted him just because no one believed he would ever do something wrong. 

He came through that door. It was different this time. I had woken up from my idiotic dream. I do not want to be that person any more. The switch just went off. I looked at him the way I used to look at men. I had been so focused in being nice I thought I had forgotten how it felt to be bad. It feels good. It feels so damn good. 

He was surprised. I could tell. He felt nervous, he felt restless. I saw how he could not look at me the same. I was safe. I was this nice little girl he never thought had it in her. Boy, do I have it in me. I love the thrill, I love knowing they want to touch me, drink me in and do all those things they aren't supposed to. I could even feel his fear. I love that fear. I love being looked at that way. I hate being looked as safe. I am not a nice little girl. 

I made him fall. Bad. He did all those things you shouldn't do. It felt so good. I am the one that can make you fall. I will never be the one to heal you. I will burn you and leave you filled with regret and leave. I always leave, one way or another, I leave them alone. I will not be there to heal their wounds or make them believe it will all settle. You will never be the same. I will show you what you are capable of doing and then go back to my life as if nothing had happened. I will see you everyday and feel nothing. Because once they fall, once they become what they have always been, I stop wanting them. 

Don't get me wrong. I will make you fall again. Be sure of that. Every now and then, when you feel you have put yourself together, I will be there in the dark reminding you that you can fall again. You will do so. You will clean up your act and then, come back. 

Don't be fooled by my good girl act. I love sex. I am more instinct than anything else. You looked at me thinking I would just be a small slip. Something you get out of your system and then go back to your town house and daily duties. I should have warned you. But, where's the fun in that? I am sorry I didn't tell you. I am sorry I did all those things to you like it was something one normally does on a Monday. Well, I am not sorry about that.